Yesterday was horrifying. I have been under pressure about my clique. Well , it started out ok but , these few months its been a hard time for me. So currently im 'excluding myself' from the group.

But in actual fact i was not. They think that i didnt like hanging out with them. Well let me just say this, its not that i didnt like, i like hanging out with them. Its just that i dont feel welcomed and accepted by them. I feel left out almost every single time.

For example, Bea chalet. At the start i really feel uninvited at all. I feel like the 'extra one' . I felt really sad at that point of time. I really wanted to go home. But as its Bea's birthday, i decided to stay. I just wonder, do they even give a single fuck about me? Do they include me? Do they care about how i felt ? Do they? I guess not.

I have been getting singals from them saying that they said they missed me for the sick of saying it. I dont feel their sincerity at all. I felt really left out, although Bea said that she was trying to fit me in .

I remembered one time that Bea told me that, when she's with me, she dont feel depressed at all. But when she is hanging out with the clique,  she feel depressed at some point of time. During sports day, she came and hang out with them. She talked to them and it seems like they are still doing good without me anyway. Whether im there or not, it doesn't mean a single thing to them. Well, I get that a lot anyway. 

I dont feel appreciated in the group.  Like for Bea birthday, they all planned so much for her. But when it comes to me, nothing at all.

Back to topic,  after sports day, I didn't know that they were having lunch together.  So I went ahead with Hannah like I used to. At that point of time, I already felt excluded .

Yesterday, quarrels happened.  Well  they are blaming me for excluding myself so much and for not putting in effort to make the friendship work. Do thet even know how I felt? No they don't.  I have already told Bea about this. Well it seemed like she dont care about me so much that she didnt register that in her head.

I just feel that they some how hate me or dislike me for whatever. Find me weird or what. Or even irritating.

I feel really betrayed by her. Upon reflecting on what she told me, I feel cheated.  I feel sad. I dont know what to do. Its like im stabbing myself on the heart. I do love bea as a bestie. But what she have done to me was unforgettable. People say that I have trust issues,  well they should see what they had done to me.

Part of me wanted to stay but part of me also wanted to leave too. Im just torn between these two choices.

Well, now it seems like I have to decide to stay or to leave.